Let me share a story that unfolded right in front of me, Master Chi.
I have a pair of friends — both professors at a well-known Shanghai university, distinguished in engineering and surveying, with considerable reputations across the entire infrastructure and construction industry.
Because they devoted their younger years to their careers, they started a family late. It wasn’t until their mid-thirties that they finally had their only child — a daughter.
A daughter in middle age is, of course, doubly cherished.
My friends gave their daughter the very best material conditions available at the time — whatever she wanted, she received. From a young age she was enrolled in an international school on the IB track, the entire path aimed at studying abroad.
Now, the daughter has graduated. She has made it clear that she dislikes life and the work environment in China, and resents the years of parental guidance. She insists on staying overseas permanently.
The family erupted into a massive argument and has since been locked in a prolonged cold war.
Yet the daughter’s credit card bills continue to arrive every month — and it is her parents back in China who must pay them. If they refuse, she takes to her social media and friend circle to publicly accuse them of neglecting their parental duties.
At one point, her parents steeled themselves and resolved to cut ties entirely.
Then, remarkably, the daughter had an uncharacteristic change of heart. On her father’s birthday, she called specifically to wish him well.
A few days later, however, her parents learned the truth from their daughter’s cousin.
It turned out that for some time, the daughter had been living a lavish life overseas entirely on her parents’ support — luxury goods and extravagant spending had never stopped. The seemingly heartfelt birthday call was purely because, without her parents’ financial lifeline, she could no longer maintain her comfortable lifestyle.
She had even messaged her cousin saying: I refuse to become a sacrifice to this Chinese family model. What I want is Western independence.
My friend came to me for advice, wanting to know how to handle the situation.
My answer was simple: this is, in fact, a pattern that afflicts a considerable number of overseas students today.
Note — not all of them, but certainly a significant portion.
They take for granted the care and attention of Chinese parents — especially when those parents are pouring in money and resources. In those moments, their demands on the family are entirely Chinese in nature. Because only Chinese parents would go to such lengths for their own children, giving without calculation or restraint.
But the moment you ask her to fulfill her responsibilities as a child, she immediately switches masks. After all her years abroad, she’ll tell you, she has broadened her horizons and will no longer be bound by Chinese dogma.
After all — bringing her into the world was your decision. She’s innocent in all of it. Therefore she bears no responsibility to give back or support her parents.
At its core, this is nothing but a selfish sophistry.
And you can silence it completely with a single paragraph:
If you choose the Chinese family model and accept its support — then you accept the corresponding family responsibilities.
If you choose Western cultural independence — then stop drawing a single drop of blood from this family.
There is no having it both ways in this world. You can only choose one.
My friend found this reasoning sound and went to have that very conversation with her daughter.
The effect was immediate.
Within a few days, the daughter sent a message saying she had indeed been immature, and hoped her parents would give her another chance.
Seeing this, I immediately warned my friend: don’t go soft. As the saying goes, “parents who spoil their children are as good as killing them.” Do not go soft.
The root of the problem with so many overseas students is precisely this — they enjoy the comfortable material conditions their parents provide while simultaneously convincing themselves that they have grown up independently. The result is that they become increasingly unable to find their proper place, and increasingly entitled and overbearing.
If you don’t set the path straight now, the conflicts will only grow more serious going forward.
The right move here is to map out the life path that actually fits her destiny framework (格局), lay it out clearly, and have her follow it — no room for compromise.
I have said many times that I, Master Chi, do not encourage low-tier parents to intervene in their children’s life decisions. But if you are a mid-to-high-tier parent, then you are absolutely right to take a hand in shaping your child’s path.
Don’t mistake this for cruelty. In fact, the vast majority of genuinely distinguished families abroad hold their children to very strict standards — high academic expectations, clear life arrangements, the whole picture.
Because low-tier parents need to at least not hold their children back. Mid-to-high-tier parents need to make sure their children don’t hold themselves back.
What if the child refuses to cooperate? No problem — then have them pay the cost of their own chosen path. It’s as simple as that.
After sharing all of this with my friend, I put the matter out of my mind. Then, two weeks ago, my friend called specifically to express gratitude: Thank you, Master Chi. After a year of working through it together, my daughter has finally matured.
She has genuinely come to understand that every ounce of confidence she ever had came entirely from her parents — not a single bit of it was her own doing.
Over the course of that year, she finally grasped that her parents were the ones who had always been shielding her from the wind and rain — the foundation that made her comfortable life possible.
Given that, whatever she has received, she should return to her parents with even more in kind. That, she now understands, is what it truly means to be a grown adult.
And as parents — knowing their child has reached this point — that is enough.